Rico Slade does not want to see pictures of your dead relatives. Rico Slade does not care about the political climate. Rico Slade does not concern himself with who won last night's game. Rico Slade just wants to sip on a drink with a tiny umbrella and enjoy his flight. Rico Slade has racked up a lot of frequent flyer miles. Rico Slade has a lot of time to kill. Rico Slade doesn't have anywhere to be at the moment except up in the sky. Rico Slade's favorite food is the honey roasted peanut.

 

      "My Albert could wipe the smile off a lucky lotto jackpot winner from a thousand miles away, God rest his soul" says Ezmeralda.

 

      "Guy sounds like a scumdog to me," Rico Slade says, using one of his catchphrases. Rico Slade wants to rip the throat out of the airline employee who sold the old lady her plane ticket. Why did she have to be sitting next to him?  Rico Slade can rip out a throat with his bare hands. Rico Slade likes ripping out throats with his bare hands. Rico Slade is the embodiment of good. Rico Slade wears a leopard skin jacket and never takes off his sunglasses. Rico Slade does this so the police can identify him as the good guy and not shoot bullets into him after he saves the day.

 

      A man is walking towards the cockpit. His name is Kent. No one on the plane knows this. He would like to keep it that way. He is carrying a large swordfish. The swordfish is not alive. It has been dead a long time. Kent stole it off a rich man's wall. He smuggled it onto the plane by bribing a baggage handler with the money that he stole out of the rich man's wall safe. He also stole an original Picasso. The rich man's wall is not happy about meeting Kent.

 

      Kent is the embodiment of evil. His Hawaiian shirt and Bermuda shorts are a dead giveaway. He has never been on a tropical vacation.

 

      "People just don't understand the IRS these days," says Ezmeralda. If money is the lubricant of the economic engine, they're its—"

 

      Rico Slade interrupts her. "Did you see that?!" Rico Slade is referring to the man with the large sword fish. Seeing the man with the large swordfish has caused him to spill his drink. There is a wet spot on his lap. The mini umbrella has disappointed him. Rico Slade crushes it, wishing it had lungs.

 

      "See what?" Ezmeralda says.

 

      Kent walks through the cockpit door. It slams shut behind him. He says, "Alright! This is a hijacking!" The door is made of steel. Rico Slade has very, very good hearing. Rico Slade remains cool and collected. The other passengers remain cool and collected. They have normal hearing. Ezmeralda has poor hearing. She can only hear someone when they shout in her ear.

 

      "Sir, how did you get that swordfish on the plane?" asks the pilot.

 

      "Never mind that!" says Kent. Take me to Tokyo Disney or the stewardess gets it!"

 

      "But we haven't the fuel. This was only supposed to be a three hour flight."

 

      "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!" says Ezmeralda's lung as Rico Slade tears it out. Rico Slade couldn't help himself. Sometimes the good guy tears out innocent people's lungs. That's just something the world needs to live with if it wants the good guy to keep saving the day. Rico Slade comforts her, cuddles her, gives her a peck on the cheek. She feels a little better about missing a lung. Rico Slade is very attractive.

 

      "I don't care if you don't have enough fuel!" Kent says. "Make it happen!" Kent likes to shout. He likes to give people headaches. He likes to sell bottles of aspirin at inflated prices.

 

      "Don't worry," Rico Slade tells Ezmeralda's lung. "This sort of thing seems to happen to me at least twice a week."

 

      "But—" the pilot argues.

 

      "No buts!" says Kent. "You can direct any complaints to my compadre with the missile who is currently occupying the bathroom.”

 

      "Please excuse me," Rico Slade says.

 

      Rico Slade walks to the bathroom door, knocks on it.

 

      The door opens. Kent's compadre says, "What do you want?" His name is Leonard. He is wearing a bad wig and a jacket made of dynamite. Only cruel people wear bad wigs and jackets made of dynamite.

 

      Rico Slade karate kicks the door. It hits Leonard in the face. His wig falls off. He is bald.

 

      Rico Slade enters the bathroom. Leonard is leaning against the door. He looks dazed. He looks panicked. A large missile is lying on the ground next to the toilet. It is made of plastic. It is now wearing Leonard's wig. Leonard lights a match. He holds it next to his dynamite jacket. "You crazy?!" he asks.

 

      Rico Slade does not answer his question. Rico Slade doesn't have any good catch phrases to respond with. Rico Slade doesn't feel that "You crazy?!" is the type of question that is worth answering. Rico Slade picks up the large missile. Rico Slade speed-walks away from the bathroom. Fireworks go off inside it. Passengers stare at the large missile. They are distressed by it. The missile is still wearing Leonard's wig. This makes them a little less distressed but a little more confused.

 

      Rico Slade defies gravity. Rico Slade attaches himself to the ceiling above the cockpit door. Kent pokes his head out, says, "What the hell is going on out here?" Rico Slade aims the giant missile at Kent's head. Rico Slade drops it. "It may be plastic, but it still makes a deadly weapon," Rico Slade says.

 

      Kent looks up at the missile. He tries to say, "Oh shit." The missile hits him before he gets to make the "t" sound at the end. The Motion Picture Association of America wipe the sweat off their brows and sing the PG-13 song.

 

      Kent rubs his head and says, "That wasn't so bad. It's goddam unamerican for you to oppose me. " He gets an urge to explain his motivations for hijacking the plane. "I'm just doing my part to strike back against Japanese imperialism." He jabs Rico Slade with his swordfish.

 

      Rico Slade dodges it with a flip.

 

      Kent says, "I got a job waiting for me at Tokyo Disney playing Mickey."

 

      Kent swings at Rico Slade with the swordfish again. It gets stuck in the wall. He tries to get it unstuck. This takes a little while, so it gives him the opportunity to talk some more: "I plan on taking off my mask in the presence of as many Japanese children as possible."

 

      Kent gives up on the swordfish. Rico Slade does not expect this. Kent takes advantage of his surprise by punching him in the nose. He says, "I'll traumatize the youth of today so they won't excel in anything but food service tomorrow."

 

      Leonard yells, "You bastard!"

 

      Rico Slade and Kent stare at him. "Eh?!" they say together, sharing a moment of camaraderie.

 

      Leonard has been badly burnt. He is still smoking. He is also smoking a Virginia Slim cigarette. This is against the rules of the airline. It is also against the rules of the airline to hijack the plane. He is turning the lever on the plane's emergency hatch. He is taking his time. He has something to say: "You didn't know I was only wearing firecrackers, did you?"

 

      Rico Slade did know. Everybody on the plane knew. It was very obvious. Fireworks are showy. Rico Slade thinks Leonard might be a retarded or at least mildly retarded.

 

      Leonard opens the hatch. He falls out of the plane. He falls through the air. He smiles. He says, "Now everyone dies!" He frowns. "Next time I'll remember to pay attention to the pre-flight safety demonstration." Only Rico Slade can hear him.

 

      Honey roasted peanut wrappers fly around the plane. The passengers are terrified. They would be even more terrified but they are wearing seatbelts. Their hair is blowing in the wind. It makes their hairstyles look more fashionable.

 

      Rico Slade and Kent are holding onto the walls to avoid being sucked out of the plane. They wrestle. They do not know how to wrestle while holding onto the walls. They are pulled towards the hatch. They fall out of the plane. Rico Slade grabs part of the wing. Kent grabs part of his foot. Rico Slade's grip is loosening. Rico Slade shakes his foot. Rico Slade does not like that Kent is holding onto it.

 

      Kent does a flip. He lands on the wing. He is now standing. This impresses Rico Slade. Rico Slade says, "I am impressed!" Rico Slade wishes he was standing on the wing.

 

      Kent kicks Rico Slade in the face. Rico Slade does not like being kicked in the face. Rico Slade makes a grumpy face.

 

      Rico Slade loses his grip. Rico Slade tries to grab Kent to pull him down with him. Rico Slade ends up with a fistful of tighty whities. They are not clean. Rico Slade is disgusted.

 

      Kent loses his balance. Rico Slade loses his leopard skin jacket. "Damn," Rico Slade says, "I loved that jacket!" There is a parachute underneath his jacket. It opens. Rico Slade and Kent parachute down while Rico Slade gives Kent a sky wedgie.

 

      They land safely in Orlando, Florida. In Disney World. During an autograph session with sweaty staff members inside animal costumes. Surrounded by toddlers and parents.

 

      Rico Slade stands, looking triumphant. Kent is lying down on top of a sweaty staff member in the Goofy costume. The staff member has broken many bones.

 

      "Waaaaaah! The bad man killed Goofy!" says an adorable crying toddler.

 

      The plane crashes into Cinderella's Castle.

 

      "Look what you've done to the happiest place on Earth!" says a widow in a Florida is for Lovers t-shirt.

 

      Rico Slade rips her throat out with his bare hands.